One of the major limiting factors I so often come across supporting Survivors falls squarely in the realm of judgement. There is so much of an emphasis, particularly these days with Social Media and the like, on what image we're projecting and the way in which others see us. So much so that frequently, we can end up pretty consumed, impacted by and very much stressed over how we, as Survivors, are being perceived by the outside world - often without even realizing it.
Am I being perceived as weak, weird, a loser, damaged, unhinged, a 'Debbie Downer' or perhaps a cry baby? Will I be talked about, looked at differently, shunned or perceived as an outcast? Will people look down on me, and even worse - feel sorrow for me?
It is that fear that the outside world might put us in these categories that ultimately drives us to so fervently begin to question, and ultimately proactively begin judging, ourselves. And it's that core fear and resulting unchecked internal judgement that often leads to us masking our true feelings, choosing not to socialize, not being honest with ourselves, pushing others away, not seeking or accepting help and a few other behaviors highly-contradictory to recovery and healing we need and deserve.
Interestingly enough... A few years back, when I would have grief recovery consultations (which I refer to as Breakthrough Calls - due to monumental shifts participants typically report), I would reassure the caller that no judgement would take place on the call. I've long since modified that; reassuring them there will be no judgement from my side of the call. Imploring the judgement from their side be suspended for the call as well...
What I've discovered Coaching Survivors over the years is... Generally, others aren't even thinking about judging us - nor harboring any such ill will at all. They tend to be far too preoccupied with their awkward feelings about what to do and say; fearful they will only feel
even more uncomfortable and potentially make the situation for us even worse. And then there's the discomfort with the whole we're all mortal after all - and they and their loved ones are going to, at some point, suffer a similar fate thing... Trust me, most are doing whatever they can to eradicate all thoughts of loss, death and grief along with all of the dire, unsettling and unacceptable feelings being generated.
So, why does it feel so much like people are judging us then?
Well, that overwhelming sense of pressure and stress we feel around this... That, at times, overbearing feeling that so many are peering at us through judging, and otherwise damning eyes... In every case that I've supported over the years, primarily the critical perceiving was an inside job. In other words, when it was all said and done, the lions share of the weight, pressure and the judging itself - is coming from us. And as a result, in those instances past clients, it was merely a re-calibration in their mindset that produced the decidedly better path and resulting steps towards recovery..
All leading to the clarifying question... Who's judging you?
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