My husband said to me, “It is so good to see the light back in your eyes again after all this time.” That was it. That was the point I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I had what it took to do it.
Humbled and motivated, teary-eyed, hearing the emotional shock and gratitude of a mother finally meaningfully engaged in life again, with perspective, laughter and a glimmer of hope back in her life again… A mother no longer helplessly spiraling down a dark, lonely and emotionally destructive path - putting her relationships with loved ones, her job and thus her whole future in such jeopardy…
Reflective and somewhat shocked myself at the gravity of the turnaround we’d produced in this loving, but stuck Mom who, merely months before had been battle-weary and a bit traumatized - yet trusting that, even though she couldn’t see any path forward to better days – that just perhaps I could…
I felt incredibly happy for her. And I was the recipient of a huge dose of motivation and inspiration myself. After all, my purpose was now completely clear. I had finally managed to come full circle from the most horrific and painful day of my life; in the process, setting in motion a powerful new driving mission from there.
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Walking in her hospital room, one look into my mother’s eyes told me everything I had to know. She was done fighting; there would be no recovery. Her eyes confirmed what the nurse had told me. Her systems were shutting down. She was preparing to go home.
In the next few hours, I would somehow muster the strength to hold back all those paralyzing thoughts and feelings trying to invade my consciousness. Instead, I needed to spend my waning time with her, ensuring everything was peaceful; ensuring she knew everything would be okay.
Only after holding the phone to her ear for closest loved ones to say their final words, after singing a favorite gospel song to her as it played on her recorder – before realizing she’d taken her last breath, after some family and a friend visited before they took her body away... Only then did I allow the darkness, sorrow and pain to engulf me, and assume its unyielding hold.
For the next few years, autopilot just about explains it. If I wasn’t at work, sub-consciously distracting myself - whether it was going to be another bout of being angry, anguished, pained, disillusioned, detached, rudderless, faithless or hopeless… I never quite knew which emotion would own the day.
The huge shift for me occurred once I eventually realized that my Mom’s spirit would most certainly not be at peace, knowing I was in so much pain and forfeiting my life that way. That realization gave me the reason and approval to do whatever it took to find another way. Combining my problem-solving skills with motivational tools picked up along the way, I began working my way out of the abyss.
Along the way, I decided it was immensely important, in part as a way of making sense out of all this – that I find a way to make a real difference in her name.
Further down the road, I found I was yielding pretty amazing shifts for my clients, in my newly chosen profession as a Personal Success and Empowerment Coach. So, it was with great hope and anticipation that it occurred to me, by incorporating newly mastered Coaching skills and techniques with the tools and insight used to free myself from grief’s clutches… I should be able to develop an effective approach and methodology for helping a vast number of other grievers out there.
As a result, I committed myself to a new specialty; Grief Recovery Coaching. I hadn’t heard of anyone else doing it at the time – and well-established Coaches warned me against decision, questioning the viability for success. But, true to my strong-willed nature, none of that would deter me. Noting the years of my life that were now unaccounted for, and thus lost, there was no way I wasn’t going to take up this fight to endeavor to mitigate the untold suffering grief was causing for so many others.
Moreover, I was convinced that… Part of the reason why I found myself in that space; the reason I had experienced the devastating loss and ensuing grief I had – was for me to take up this fight; for me to help find another way. And that would most certainly make my Momma proud!
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So, that’s why, when that previously deeply-grieving and anguished Mom glowingly spoke of the significant difference our working together had made in her life, not carrying that heavy load anymore, being able to finally re-embrace good times and days with close family and friends and just feeling good about getting up in the morning – and living… I was ecstatic for her.
However, I was also ecstatic for the absolute clarity it provided to me as well. With residual doubts completely stamped out, it was time to get to work tweaking and refining… There were countless Survivors hurting out there, who needed my help.
Well, the approach and methodology I’ve managed to hone, in the years since, has helped countless other Survivors take the requisite steps back towards healthier, more loving lives, worth living again. Towards living in ways that best amplifies and honors their loved ones’ memories and lives, taken too soon… In many cases, steps the Survivors were initially skeptical were even existed. (Perhaps much like some of you…}
And that awesome feeling that comes with them experiencing their respective breakthroughs; of them realizing that much of what they’ve been convinced of simply doesn’t have to hold true; of them finally getting that there really is a better way… It never stops happening. And it never gets old. Just the opposite, each and every one, for me, connects back to that much earlier case of that Mom having the light finally return to her eyes – and me realizing that I was exactly in the space where I was supposed to be. Realizing once and for all, that my life’s purpose was undoubtedly before me…
And each time it happens, I just know my Mom is there just above, with the absolute widest smile and the most heartfelt pride, beaming… “That’s my son!”
Coach D Anthony Grief Recovery and Empowerment Coach | Author
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Interested in learning more? Visit StrongerThanGrief.com to see the services and support available to support you through your loss. (Including Grief Recovery Coaching services, our Stronger Than Grief Facebook recovery group, other social media pages and, last but not least, all about my recently authored groundbreaking, grief recovery book, “14 Reasons You’re Not Letting Yourself Heal”…)