Stronger Than Grief 

The reality is, most often, an alarming amount of the pain and suffering we end up burdened with, and much of the duration of time we are tormented by such insufferable heartache and grief, is directly aligned with how we are choosing to perceive and respond to each potentially emotionally charged circumstance and event that we encounter along the way. The right choices and actions tend to cycle us up, lessening the psychological and emotional burden and turmoil to come, while the wrong choices and actions generate much the opposite. Just as in the case of the unnecessarily burdensome ensuing seven hours for the young monk above.

As it turns out, actions like burying our emotions, denying our feelings, and not letting our tears out fall on the cycling-us-down and increasing-the-psychological-and-emotional-burden-and-turmoil side of the ledger. Why is that? Because, while it may feel easier and more settling at the moment, endeavoring to avoid the dreaded tears and sorrow and otherwise attempting to bury those feelings and emotions is akin to burying a bunch of ticking time bombs.

To ignore them today is only to further flirt with ever looming disaster. A disaster that, with the passing of time and happenstance, only continues to grow. And while you have no idea when each timer will run out, it’s a fair bet that eventually each of them will. And caught up in each blast will be you and whoever happens to be around you. Given this, it’s a much better option to go ahead and start minimizing that risk now. It’s a much better path to commence taking the appropriate steps to disarm those ticking dangers safely, starting today.

And even more, it’s not the healthiest thing in the world for you— unnecessarily holding onto all that incremental emotional turmoil, pressure, and stress. It is much the same as boiling a tightly lidded concoction at the highest temperature. With no way to escape, the pressure builds and builds within, until, inevitably, things explode. And there’s a mess to be cleaned in the kitchen. Of course, a considerably less consequential mishap and cleanup in my kitchen example versus the typically significantly messier psychological and emotional cleanup required once the ticking bombs commence to blow.

Given all of this, it’s clear to see that neither avoidance nor denial is the most productive or healthy step to be taken, correct? It’s clear to see that these only ultimately serve to drain us emotionally, mentally and physically, damage and diminish us, and make the pain and suffering even more oppressive and lasting than it ever needed to be.

From "14 Reasons You're Not Letting Yourself Heal", All Rights Reserved

And so, what’s paramount for me is helping you begin to dispense with the notion that you are doomed to have grief be a controlling part of your life—permanently. It’s critical to help you begin to see it’s entirely possible to move beyond the immense grief and heartache and to make it to the other side of all this debilitating misery and pain. A new side, where you will always miss your loved one, and occasionally still shed tears, but free of the acute pain and sorrow of grief, overwhelming and limiting every other aspect and every day of your life.

Consider this. What if the biggest obstacle standing in the way of you finally breaking free from all the crushing sorrow and agony you’ve been struggling with is you? What if much of what happens from here comes down to how you continue to perceive grief’s hold on you and how you continue to perceive your prospects for recovery, reclaiming yourself again, and once and for all taking back your life? And what if it’s ultimately your belief that grief is so invincible and permanent that has, to this point, most made it so?

How is it possible that our beliefs could be most responsible for making it so? It turns out that’s the way we humans happen to be wired. We virtually never accomplish that which we believe to be impossible. When our expectation, thoughts, feelings, perspective, and ingrained beliefs are firmly in opposition to something, it’s an incredibly powerful force to reckon with. However, the same happens also to be true when our leanings happen to be on the affirmative end of the spectrum.

This has proven out time and time again working with clients. Regardless of how long someone has been immersed in the immense pain, misery, and darkness, once we’re able to overcome the biggest difficulty of finally getting their minds and hearts open to the viability of future days no longer consumed by grief, the light commences to show itself, the long-indestructible proverbial chains cease to restrain, and the magic of healing is, in a big way, permitted to begin. This is the sheer power of changing to more advantageous perceptions.

And once again, to aid in that process, it is crucial we come to a more accurate perception of what grief actually is—and is not. Remember, grief, by definition, isn’t really a quiet, docile, low-impact kind of phenomenon; just the opposite. It’s acute, jarring, debilitating, draining, and disheartening—and exercises a fair amount of control over how we feel, what we can envision, and everything we do.

So, I would submit to you for consideration that, at the point things generally become quieter, less taxing, less controlling, and more sobering, the residual feelings that remain are no longer grief. In other words, things like the mere existence of tears and the act of really missing a loved one do not constitute grief. It constitutes really missing your loved one. Which again, in and of itself, does not constitute grief.

From "14 Reasons You're Not Letting Yourself Heal", All Rights Reserved

And, on a separate but somewhat related note, if you happen to be someone who is regularly found apologizing for how you feel, or for any natural reactions to overwhelming grief and sorrow, today’s a good day to begin letting go of that behavior.

In other words, from this point forward … Stop apologizing! Chances are, there’s nothing wrong with the way you feel, and certainly nothing wrong with any tears you’re finding the need to shed. Why? Well, if you’re doing this, without realizing it, you are doing damage to yourself. Damage that only serves to make both your status and how you are feeling about it (and yourself) even worse.

You see, each time you apologize, you are sending yourself yet another internal message that you’ve done something wrong. Though that message is wrong, in your current state, neither your conscious nor subconscious realizes this. This, in turn, only results in you feeling even worse, further deepening the continuing state of hopelessness, misery, and pain. In the end, it is only moving you even farther away from recovery and making you that much more likely to soon apologize for where you happen to be again—starting the whole undeserved, emotionally devastating chain process all over again.

Newsflash … You are grieving! That means you are continuing to struggle with the abrupt and merciless taking of someone you truly love. Someone for whom you might have readily traded your own life. And just like that, everything you knew about everything immediately changed. Who, in their right mind, would expect you to automatically know just what to do? Who, in their right mind, would expect you to seamlessly adjust to such a devastating blow?

The reality is you happen to be struggling to overcome just about the most devastating and debilitating psychological and emotional wallop this life ever blindsides us with. (Perhaps more accurately, one of the most significant proverbial dumps this life is destined to take on us.) So, as you’re fighting to find your faculties and bearings, post such a crushing blow, generally speaking, no apology is necessary. What you’re struggling to overcome is far from run-in-the-mill, familiar or easy. Those around you that love you will simply need to come to appreciate this.

From "14 Reasons You're Not Letting Yourself Heal", All Rights Reserved