Stronger Than Grief 

Regarding Grief: I lost my 22-yr old son to a heroin overdose 3-½ years ago. It was unexpected as he was clean for over 7 months and I knew little about addiction at the time, and did not understand the full extent of relapsing or overdose. I was completely blind-sided and numb. As the days, weeks, and even months passed, my life was in complete chaos. I lost my mother 27 years previous to my son’s passing and had 3 main people in my life to rely on to get through the grief. At the time, I wasn’t even thinking of the grief they were dealing with on losing my son. I was lost as to how I was ever going to function or get through each day. My relationship with my fiancé fell apart, I had no motivation to go anywhere or to take care of myself emotionally or physically. I was a very strong person, reliable and full of life. Quicker than I could wrap my head around things, my whole world fell apart.

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I started looking for websites and Facebook groups about grief and recovery as circumstances of my son’s addiction were brought to light. The pain was immeasurable and debilitating. The sites I found were not helping me and I came to a point where if I didn’t do something, I thought I was going to just have a breakdown. I was at my wit’s end and pretty much on the verge of giving up when I came across a website called, “Life Without Grief” which offered a free 45-minute phone consultation about overcoming a devastating loss. I thought, nothing has helped, what do I have to lose. So I proceeded to fill out the form to request a consultation. When I got to the end, something that was worded a certain way just set me off. I felt it was just another site that was praying on people grief stricken like myself. I wrote a “not-so-nice-review” and sent it on its way. In a short time, I received a response and was given a number to call. Long story short, I misinterpreted some statements and was given the opportunity to talk with the grief coach about 2 specific things in reference to my son’s death, that I could not get past. I couldn’t believe he took the time out to address my issues, after all the nasty things I had written in my review.

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After my initial consultation, I was amazed at how well he was able to make me understand those concerns, how clear my head was, and that those concerns were not playing in my head every minute of my thoughts. I thought, okay, I’m good, I’m overcoming my grief, I’ve got this, and back to how things were. How wrong I was. It was another 6 months before I realized the fix was not that easy. I was tired of being sick and tired, exhausted of the ups and downs, exhausted of the waves of grief that would come out of nowhere and bring me to my knees when I thought I was doing good. I was ready to stop the turmoil and despair, didn’t know if I could keep picking myself up after failed attempts of “fooling myself” that I had this grief thing all figured out. I was ready to move forward, so ready. I went back to Coach D Anthony’s website, “Life Without Grief” and toyed with the idea of reaching out for help. I was filled with so many questions and scenarios; will this work, what if it doesn’t, how long will it take, what was the expense, what would people say about me asking for help. I was sabotaging the very thoughts that were trying to help me reach out. I ultimately did reach back out... That was the only thing that had helped me previously and I wasn’t going to keep living how I was. Fast-forward to today. I am at a place I never thought I could ever get to. I use the tools he showed me to continue moving forward, not only with my grief, but just about every aspect of my life, to include, but not limited to, my relationships with loved ones and friends, my self-worth, making each day count, how to attain goals, etc. My only regret?? Wish I would have reached back out sooner.

Regarding 14 Reasons: If you want to learn to work through your grief this is the book for you. It is written in a way that explains different thoughts that are encountered when dealing with grief. I was so amazed at how much better I felt and truly understood a particular part of my grief immediately.

Whether your loss is a parent, sibling, close relative or even a child, this book will help you understand and work through your grief. Coach D Anthony explains things in such a manner that you will start to feel more alive and want to read even more. The exercises after each chapter will help you process and apply what you have read. All you need is the willingness to want to honor your loved one and learn how to live life after a devastating loss. I have read many articles and joined many groups to work through my devastating loss of my son and not one of them have ever come close to helping me heal like, 14 Reasons You're Not Letting Yourself Heal. Don't waste any more precious time with your loved ones that are still here with you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by reading this. Whether your grief is months, years, or even decades old, this book will walk you through the healing process of learning to live life after a devastating loss.

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Being a client of Coach D Anthony’s previous to reading this book, my expectations were more than exceeded! I discovered more techniques of dealing with the devastating loss of my 22-year old son. Even more amazing, I dealt with a minimum of 3 “unconscious thoughts” that I didn’t realize I was still carrying around in reference to my grief!! If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, this is THE BOOK that will guide you in moving forward and live again after a devastating loss. Your loved one would not want you to stay in the debilitating grasp that you are in because of their passing. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Additional Thoughts: Awesome Coach D Anthony! I almost feel like I’m a “mom” telling her “son” how proud I am of you (that might sound corny, but I think you will understand what I mean <smile>) I’m proud to know you and glad you offer your knowledge to Survivors. And the respect I have for you as a person and Motivational Speaker/Grief Coach. You are an important part of my life and the reason I am where I am today. Who would have thought the outcome of that bitchy, nasty review I first wrote to you would bring me to this point in my life?
 

There were days I was mad at you and thought you to be a pompous ass, and the days I wished I could just reach out and give you a hug and hope you truly knew how much you became the key to MY life without grief.

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To wrap this up Coach, and I could keep writing, I want to thank you for extending the opportunity to allow me to be a part of this important, pivotal move in your career. It makes me feel proud of myself and how much I have accomplished in the past few years. My self-worth fills me with pride that my life, and how I live it now and the impact your coaching had is directly related to this.

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Lastly, I know my son is more than proud of me, and how I have chosen to live my life after losing him… When I think of things Jason would say to me, I remember distinctly, when he would upset me, and I would start crying, his words were, “Oh mom, please don’t cry.”

Regarding Grief: After spending an amazing, fun filled day in Vegas, my man and I were on our way to a friend’s home to enjoy the 2015 Christmas holidays. I asked him a question, no reply. From laughing to silence in a matter of seconds. I looked over, he was slumped in the passenger seat, life leaving the human I love most in this entire world. Dead. From that moment on, my life changed forever. A downward free-fall with no end in sight, until I found Coach D. There is a way out of the hopelessness, darkness, and grief.  He led the way. Love never dies, the soul lives on.

Regarding 14 Reasons: Love this manuscript. The most meaningful messages to me, at this time. are from the section Type of Loss Is Value of Loss. Really hit me… Every loss is grief, no matter the relationship to the deceased. Spouse, child, grandchild, brother, sister, friend. Grief is grief. No one’s grief is greater than another, a fact that needs to be shared and understood!! Family and Friends Are Equipped to Help Me spoke of another ingrained belief which, once dispelled, freed me to find the path to healing and happiness I am enjoying today. And a Final Word or Two is an excellent wrap-up to a very good read. It was a fight every step of the way to lose the darkness, loneliness, misery and pain. Thankful to you Coach for showing me the tools to fight. I am living my life in the light now, happy, hopeful, and grateful. I would recommend this book to friends and family in an instant.  Dispel the myths, and let the light back into your life! 

Can't wait for this book to be published.  Already have a list of friends/family that I will be sharing it with!! 

Additional Thoughts: Knowing that Rick always has, and will always be with me is perhaps the greatest gift of all. The love has been, and will always be with me. My internal messaging to myself was/is the most damaging force allowing the grief, darkness and hopelessness to devour my life. Changing my thoughts changed my life. This is something I strive to accomplish every day. I live to make him proud.   

Regarding Grief: In 2008 I lost my sister and best friend.  Then 6 years later I lost my mother who I was very close to. Since losing them I have felt very lost and alone.  I went into a deep depression and got to the point of not wanting to live.  It has been a very hard journey through the grief.

Regarding 14 Reasons: This book is very thought-provoking. After reading it you have a whole new view of the issues of grief. It gives you the feeling of empowerment, of knowing how to grieve and the proper things to do to work through the grief issues. By teaching Survivors the most-often mistaken beliefs of grief issues, it points them in a whole new direction... The examples given in the book are very clear, to the point and very helpful.  The book is a fantastic teaching tool. It is a must-read for everyone who is going through grief.  It will give many grievers hope.

Additional Thoughts:

Recovery Means Leaving My Loved One Behind not only brings comfort that this is an understandable way to feel, it also brings into focus how by healing you can actually carry them with you. One of the biggest reasons of holding back on the healing is the feeling that if you move forward the connection you had with your loved one will be broken, and they will be forgotten. Having that confirmation that you can always have them with you is of great comfort.

I Should Be Doing Better by Now is of great help for two reasons. One, that it is okay to be where you are at in your recovery and two, it is normal to feel that you should be making more progress in your recovery since we are wired to feel that things should be linear. Knowing that no matter where we are at in our recovery; that it is completely normal.

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No One Talking Means No One Cares helps to bring understanding how others view our loss. It helps to make you realize that others are not going to feel your loss the same way you do and there are certain things you can't expect from others.

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Family and Friends Are Equipped to Help Me brings great understanding that even though you have family and friends who care about you, that them not helping you doesn't mean that they don't care anymore - but that they really are not sure how to help.  It is natural to feel that since they are not helping us, then that must mean they don't care anymore.  Understanding the real reason why they are not helping will help get rid of so much judgement on our part.

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In some cases of the passing of a loved one, guilt is automatic in thinking you should have, or could have done something to save them. But, I Deserve This Guilt, It’s My Fault brings understanding how having that guilt is wrong and how holding on to it only hinders you and that your loved one would never want you to carry that guilt.

Regarding Grief: By far the most significant loss that has impacted my life with grief was the death of my son six years ago. He was 22, had graduated recently from college, and was at party with old school friends, just enjoying life on a balmy California night. The next thing we knew, we were informed that he had died in a fall from a balcony at the home where the party was held.  Nothing prepares you for such a terrible blow. (I remember my knees buckling when I got the phone call, falling to the floor and calling out for my husband.) I quickly discovered that finding real help after such a tragic loss can be very hit-or-miss. Often the people you think will help you the most, like close friends and family members, are least able to do so.

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I felt so lonely and isolated, so separated from the person I used to be. My day-to-day life took on a hazy, unreal feeling, like moving through mud. Even my loving husband, who is a very kind, supportive and steady soul, asked me a few months afterwards, “Is it always going to be this way for you?” I had to respond, “Probably” … because as far as I knew, it was. As Paul Newman once famously said about his deceased son, life became defined in very Before/After terms, and I wasn't sure how I was going to navigate the After portion.

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Once the last casserole dish was washed and returned and the last sympathy card acknowledged, I realized that the rest of the world went back to its business of living, and I was looking at the future stretching out before me and wondering how I was going to manage to find my way. I spent a lot of time on online grief-support groups, which were comforting in the beginning, but many of them seemed to have a very negative, fatalistic point of view: This is how it’s going to be for the rest of your life, you will wear the ugly shoes of Grieving Mom forever, all we can do is endure, etc. I didn't want that to be my future, but how could so many people, who had walked this path before me in those ugly shoes, be wrong? 

Regarding 14 Reasons: What struck me most about this book is its constant message of positivity and empowerment: In every chapter, the author brings home his message that grief does NOT have to be a life-sentence and that we can absolutely change our thinking and what he refers to as “ingrained beliefs” to not only survive debilitating grief, but live, and live well after the loss of a loved one. We can take our lives and our futures back into our own hands and reclaim our happiness, using D Anthony’s methods which he has used with many clients successfully. Many of the “myths” I have held myself… for example, the mistaken belief that the depth of one’s misery and suffering is “in direct proportion to the depth/quality of our love”. I loved his reference to the “Badge of Honor” that some of us take on upon the loss of a loved one, thinking there is something noble about pain and misery, not realizing that we are condemning ourselves to suffering when there is no need.

While I enjoyed all the chapters and found wisdom in each one, I would have to say that my "favorite" was Chapter 14: As A Mom, I Was Supposed to Save My Child. Every grieving mother I know (including me), no matter how her child passed, feels guilt that she wasn't somehow able to protect and preserve her child's life. Reading this chapter was very helpful to me in releasing a lot of those guilty feelings. As (Coach D Anthony) states, "Becoming a mom doesn't make you a demigod or a superhero", and the intense and limitless love we feel for our children does not allow us to see, or change, the future. Releasing feelings of guilt allows me to be more in touch with the loving feelings and good memories I have of my son. Those are the feelings that truly honor him and define our relationship best. 

Additional Thoughts: You gotta read this book! It will change your thinking and change your life for the better. You have nothing to lose but a lot of ingrained beliefs and mistaken ideas that are keeping you from the future you deserve.